


spay and neuter

by inacolloquialsense



Category: Impractical Jokers
Genre: M/M, but uh there are also cats and stuff, gross out humor of a graphic nature, it's not all bad is what i'm saying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 16:38:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12089031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inacolloquialsense/pseuds/inacolloquialsense
Summary: q finds a cat. murr doesn't want a cat. they take home a cat.





	spay and neuter

It was a rare treat for them to be getting along so well. They had to be off their rockers from catnip, but even a drug-induced peace is still peace.

Murr held Quinn’s hand, softly rubbing the skin between his thumb and forefinger. “I’m officially won over,” he sighed. Three little bundles of joy wallowed on the bed. London occasionally swatting at a toy, Brooklyn completely lost in some cat fantasy, and Chessie was comatose. “No biting or chasing. They’re not climbing into my bag or scratching up the new sofa. This is heaven.”

“Why are you saying it like that? My cats are always perfect.” Q leaned his head to hit Murray’s gently. “I’ll have you know I have the best behaved pets in the state.” He kicked his leg under the covers and Brooklyn swiped at the lump with a drunken little paw, about three seconds after the fact. “If that isn’t the cutest shit I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Oh I think they’re cute. Sometimes I’m sick of having every inch of me covered in hair, though.” As evidence James slid his hand down the sheet over his torso and came back with a small roll of cat fur in various colours. “I wouldn’t mind it as much if the stuff didn’t also get on all my suits.”

“I’ll get you more lint rollers for your birthday.” Quinn’s cheeks puffed up with his smile, forming those perfect little cushions. The kiss landing strips James was finding harder and harder to resist. Murr hated how much he loved him sometimes. He had to turn his head away. It was too much. 

“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”`

“Tell me if you’ve heard this one before.” Brian rests his arm on the car door, staring at Murray and the way his bicep bulges as the wheel turned. He always steals an eyeful of the other man when he can. On the occasions where James was wearing short sleeves it’s a waste not to. “So I was going down on this guy’s grandad…”

He’s smiling already. Eyes crinkling and small exhales through his nose. “That it? Another Tuesday night for you,” he replies.

“No wait I got it wrong. I was fingerblasting this raccoon I found on the side of the road.” Q made the motion, sticking two fingers in the air and pumping. “Y'know, really going at it, but I realized the damnedest thing.”

Murr’s giggling. “Yeah? What?” He stops the car in the parking spot, waiting for to turn the engine off.

“I think may have been too aggressive.” Pause. “My hand went in so deep I started knocking out teeth by mistake.“ 

"That’s so repulsive.” James said, unable to stop his laughter. He turned off the car and pushed open his door.

“You can’t get enough.” He got out as well.

They walked into the super market, and managed to get everything on the list for the pot roast Q wanted to make. On their way to the car Murr smacked his lips on some cold cuts. He wasn’t paying attention, but Quinn heard it clear as crystal. When he laid eyes on where the sound was coming from he jostled James with his elbow.

“Hand me a slice of turkey,” Brian said nonchalantly. He kept his eyes on Murray to make sure he was still absorbed in eating. Almost throwing the bags in the back, he crept away from the car while Murr was fixing the mess he made and laying down his own groceries.

Fifteen minutes later James was leaning against the car, wondering how he could have lost a husky 39 year-old man in a parking lot. He closed his eyes and rested his head back on the warm metal. More time passes and he gets a pat on the shoulder.

Q’s sweating in his zipped up hoodie. He looks like he’s been crawling around on the ground. “Sorry.” He’s over-apologetic. “I, uh, I had an important phone call.”

Murr squints at him. “I called you maybe six times and you didn’t answer.” He throws his hands up. “I don’t want to know. I’ve been baking long enough to not care.”

Quinn physically relaxes. James half expects him wipe his brow of sweat and give a relieved whistle.

He’s over it. Whatever business is going on doesn’t relate to him. “The chicken is probably thawed by now, so you’re going to be working double-time in the kitchen. Or if you want we can save the pot roast for l-” Murray points at Brian’s stomach. “Did your belly just move?”

His shoes make fast work of getting to the passenger side of the car. “I’m really hungry.” He says very loudly. Voice high and nervous, confident only in its volume. “Don’t you want to go home?”

James had followed him, of course. “Open your hoodie.” Murr squares his stance, giving him a hard look.

“I’d rather not.” Q shuffles in his spot.

“Unzip your jacket, or I’m punching you in the gut.” His face is flat and unimpressed.

Brian’s quick to relent. “Please don’t.” He pulls up the elastic band and a kitten drops into his waiting hand. “I chased this guy for half an hour.”

“Put it down and walk away.” Murr is frowning.

He holds it up close to his face, and it lets out the quietest little mew. “Are you sure?”

God is fucking with him. He was an atheist ten seconds ago. He’s now believing in a higher being who is pulling his strings, because that is the only reason he would be trapped on this world, fated to be in love with this fucking moron. “Put. It. Down." 

"But.” Quinn keeps his arms up, and the little beast squirms in his hands. Tiny pink paws peek out between his fingers. “Look.” It has big brown eyes that stare at him pathetically. Q and the kitten make a good pair.

He tilts his head and sighs. “Get in the car.” If he sounds defeated it’s because he is.


End file.
